Ionized Bracelets are a Placebo

23 Aug

Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn (right) and Padawan O...

Becoming like this dude by wearing POWER BALANCE BRACELETS™!!

If you’re like me, then you have seen kids adding these new “Balance Bracelets” to their collection of Silly Bands and whatever other nonsense they’ve been wearing on their wrists. Interesting story, and an even more interesting (and very unlikely) theory around these. Let’s dive in!

To get you started, watch this video.

Now-a-days, people are all over stuff to help your “chi” and other “internal spirits” that come from Eastern, or in this case Chinese, medicine. But an internal “force field“, really? Have we jumped to the 24th century? You’ll be telling me in a minute that they also help me not puke during getting beamed back up to the Enterprise, or that this will help me be a better Jedi. I don’t believe in chi, or internal force-fields for that matter, so these automatically throw me off and tell me that this is in the “cheap crap” department.

But let’s say that you don’t think Internal Force Fields sound stupid. Let’s say you think it sounds, to use the correct terminology, groovy. So you buy one.

A wide spectrum of space age- I mean chi-enhancing- I mean Ionized- I mean placebo bracelets.

Well, I congratulate you on spending possibly the most ill-advised and regrettable $30 of your entire life (that is, unless you plan on purchasing some Snake Oil, and yes, that is oil from a snake, which claims to relieve muscle aches, sometime later in your life). Now you can enjoy that if you are pushed lightly on the arm while standing on one foot, you might not fall down! Wow! Now that’s really somethin’, seeing as how we as human beings have to face being pushed lightly on the arm while standing on one foot almost…Daily? I’d say more like almost never, unless you actually have one of these, because the kids that have one are clambering to be shoved and prove how stable their internal force fields are now.

And these are supposed to be the face of our future? Kids who would burn their PARENT’S (because few kids I know actually have an income, and if they actually did, they sure would be a heck of a lot smarter than to be wasting it on plastic and metal) money for some bracelet that may-or-may-not work, just so they can have kids push them? Really? And this is the “smart” class.

On the Wikipedia article about Ionized Bracelets, they cite a study that was conducted by the Mayo Clinic. The Mayo Clinic is a non-profit and pretty darn well known and trusted website about being healthy. They conducted a study of Q-Ray’s, the maker of the most infamous all of the bracelet-placebos, bracelets that were made to stop muscle pain. They found that, surprise surprise, NOTHING HAPPENED. Big shocker. They said it was a placebo; I’ve been using this word a lot and if you don’t know what it means, it means something, usually a medication or an alternative to medication, that works because your brain wants it to work. They continued to say that “part of a scheme devised by [QT Inc.] to defraud [its] consumers” and, “Defendants [of the
Ionized bracelets] might as well have said: Beneficent creatures from the 17th dimension use this bracelet as a beacon to locate people who need pain relief and whisk them off to their home world every night to provide help in ways unknown to our science.”

Still not convinced? I’m not done yet.

Mr. Charles Park, the CEO of QT Inc., when asked about how these “Ionized” bracelets works, replied in quite an interesting way. But first, what is Ionization?

Ionization is, to quote the Wikipedia article on it, “the physical process of converting an atom or molecule into an ion by adding or removing charged particles such as electrons or other ions.” So, it’s not exactly something that people do just for kicks in their garage.

Mr. Charles Park said,

that the term “ionized” does not mean the bracelets themselves are ionized, but rather that the term comes from their secret “ionization process” which, he asserts, affects the bracelets in undisclosed ways.

So, it’s a bracelet that’s NAME claims to be Ionized, but it’s not, but it is, but it’s a bracelet that’s not ionized in anyway that we know of.

Either this guy is completely loony in the head, or he’s pulling quite some wool over a lot of athlete’s eyes.

So, are you going to be one of the many who pay up to $119.99 for the rich man’s placebo, which is a golden “chi-enhancer”, although I still think it will help me use the force better (She did say inner FORCE field!). And you know what else? Oooh..Look…Shiny…Just one more reason to buy a placebo! Or maybe it’s just one more reason not to buy one. This one’s up to you.


3 Responses to “Ionized Bracelets are a Placebo”

  1. Merlot August 24, 2010 at 9:41 am #

    This bracelet is the worst thing since Alvin and the Chipmunks.

  2. M o' the 2 August 24, 2010 at 11:17 am #

    To be fair, most of the rubber band things you see people wearing are 30 cent things with slogans on them, not (as I shall from here on out call them) Scam Bands.

  3. Bloo D00d August 24, 2010 at 1:45 pm #

    Yeah, I thinka ll these little bracelet things are crud, too. As for inner energy….HAHAHA! What is this? Some Japanese anime?

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